Guilt and Forgiveness

Guilt → feelings of worthlessness ("I'm not good enough") — "the underlying fundamental problem of the 20th century," the main source of mental illness, relationship problems, and psychosomatic disease.

Where it comes from

• Destructive criticism — "the great destroyer." Children under ~6 cannot distinguish valid from invalid criticism; anything a prestigious adult says bypasses the conscious mind and is stored as truth. (Tracy's father's "you never finish anything you start" caused him to seize up near the end of tasks as an adult.)
• Lack of love — "we are all victims of victims." Three conditions for a child to feel loved: (1) parents love themselves, (2) parents love each other (children of divorce invariably believe it was their fault), (3) parents love the child with high quantity and quality of time.
• Guilt is used for punishment and for control/manipulation — "My mother, God bless her, had a black belt in guilt."

Five adult manifestations of guilt

1. Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, undeservingness — including fear of success and imposter syndrome.
2. Destructive self-criticism — "those to whom evil is done do evil in return."
3. Easy manipulation by guilt — the world divides into guilt throwers and guilt catchers, who attract each other.
4. Using guilt and blame generously on others.
5. Victim language: "I can't," "I have to," "I'll try" (= announcing failure in advance), "I wish" (a goal with no energy), and "yes, but" (the great eraser).

Ridding yourself of guilt — 4 steps

1. Eliminate destructive self-criticism — never say anything about yourself you don't sincerely desire to be true.
2. Refuse to be manipulated — respond with: "You're not trying to make me feel guilty, are you?"
3. Refuse to use guilt and blame on others — and announce that you've stopped.
4. Practice the Law of Forgiveness — you are mentally healthy to the degree you can freely forgive.

The four acts of forgiveness

1. Forgive your parents — almost all adult problems trace to unwillingness to forgive parents. Write, phone, or forgive in your heart.
2. Forgive everyone else — "forgiveness is perfectly selfish; it has nothing to do with the other person, only your peace of mind."
3. Forgive yourself — for every "wicked, senseless, brainless" thing you've done.
4. Apologize to anyone you've hurt.

Quote

• "Forgiveness is perfectly selfish — it has only to do with your peace of mind."