Carnegie: "I will pay more for the ability to get along with others than for any other single skill." 85% of everything you accomplish — and 85% of your happiness — comes from how well you get along with people.
Five measures of a healthy personality
- How much you like yourself
- How much responsibility you accept
- How easily you forgive
- Positive expectations — looking for the good
- How well you get along with others
All reciprocally reinforcing.
Two governing laws
- Law of Indirect Effort — in relationships you get things faster indirectly: to impress people, be impressed by them; to interest them, be interested; to be liked, like them; to be respected, respect them.
- Law of Reciprocity/Reversibility — everything you do to raise someone else's self-esteem raises your own simultaneously.
Mary Kay Ash: imagine everyone wears a sign that says "Make me feel important."
Seven ways to make others feel important
- Eliminate destructive criticism — nothing lowers self-esteem faster.
- Be agreeable — don't argue. Tracy won every argument as a young man and ended up with no one to talk to: "even though I was winning I was losing." "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Seek first to understand. Emmet Fox: "If you must be rude, be rude to strangers — save your company manners for your family."
- Acceptance — conveyed by smiling; even an insincere smile beats a sincere frown.
- Appreciation — say "thank you" constantly. Carlyle: you can tell a big person by how they treat little people.
- Admiration — sincerely admire traits and achievements. Lincoln: "Everybody likes a compliment."
- Approval/praise — Napoleon: "Men will die for ribbons." Keys: be immediate, be specific, be public (public praise doubles or triples impact).
- Attention/listening — listen without interrupting, pause before replying, question for clarification ("How do you mean, exactly?").
The boomerang principle
Any genuine emotion expressed toward another comes back on you — speak of others as if it will be printed in the newspaper. Final rule: the Golden Rule. Exercise: pick a role model and ask "how would that person act in this situation?"